I am holding on persistently to my memories of what I did in my decades with government. I am holding on to the romantic poems I wrote when I was young. I am holding on to my attachment with the tribal people of Jharkhand. I am holding on to the books collected by me over decades. I am holding on to the idea of ethics in public governance. But I have also let go of many things, attitudes and ideas.
I’m still holding tightly to my intellectual integrity, which depends more on reason than ideology. Perhaps it will be there with me till the very end. But I have let go of my energy to contest what I consider absurd, malicious or destructive. Earlier, I used to get agitated if someone refused to understand the logic of a proposition. Now I don’t.
I have let go of my impatience with irrationality. Earlier, I could not compromise with a lack of logic. But now I concede that many valuable things are not liable to be tested on reasoning alone.
Curiously, I have also given up my adherence to my erstwhile beliefs. I am no longer willing to die for my beliefs, because they might be wrong.
Very early in our lives, we learn to collect things; things that give us joy, things that make us proud or enviable, things which many others do not have. If we look in our attic and in our almirahs, in the store room and on the terrace, we find things we have not used for months and years. They are just there. Likewise, we collect emotions and feelings for others.
The fact is that we do not live in the flat or the bungalow we think we live in. We do not live in the spaces defined by walls. From the time we acquire the capacity to think, we have actually been living in our minds. We have put our jealousies and resentments in the cupboards, pasted our joys and successes on the walls, crowded our worries and problems in the corners and pushed our secrets and indiscretions under the carpet. They are all there in our mind.
Does it ever occur to us that this mind space needs to be cleaned? Does it occur to us that thing should be sorted out? Obviously, the cleaning job cannot be outsourced. It has to be performed by ourselves.
The big question is: what should we hold on to and what should we let go. Whether we should keep nursing our jealousies acquired twenty years ago? Should we carry the mindset of the positions occupied by us in the past?
Obviously, there is no clear-cut division between holding on and letting go. One needs a tranquil mind to resolve what needs to be jettisoned and what should be preserved. One of the secrets of determining it is not to compare yourself to others. Remember that your experience is unique to you. No one has your life experience but you.
How to let go is one of the hardest things to figure out in our life. As our emotions usually cloud our logic, and because our feelings make it harder for us to think straight, the art of letting go can sometimes become more confusing and complicated.
Our personal values and our vision are the things that make us who we are fundamentally. But do we have time to review our values from time to time and make corrections wherever required? At times, we are required to sacrifice our personal values and change into someone we are really not. What do we do at such times?
We are vulnerable when we are in love with an idea, a person, an event, or an accomplishment. Should we be prepared to let go of our vulnerability?
Each one of us has already been hurt countless times; Do we think that the pain will stop if we continue holding on to what hurts us? Should we remove the toxic thought that holding on can change things?
My friend Dilip has resolved not to buy a shirt till he disposes of one shirt. For him, the number of shirts in the wardrobe are like attachments. He does not want to unnecessarily increase their number. I admire him because he applies the same principle to other possessions of his as well.
The thing about things is that there is no limit to collect them. The joy of collecting them is transitory but the pain of letting them go persists.
Do we feel that our self-worth is under-appreciated? It seems like we never feel good anymore. We are always taken for granted. Everyone expects us to show up, but when we are already there, we are not even respected! If that is so, will it not be better to do ourselves a favour and just stop. Just let go.
If we find that our opinions are always suppressed and our feelings are never acknowledged, why are we still holding on? We know that we are better than this.
BK Shivani says, “We need to consciously release emotional burdens that weigh us down: past emotional pains, negative self-image, guilt, wrong habits, and addiction.”
Letting go can be painful; holding on can be painful. So, they are both painful. Letting go can be freeing. Holding on can be freeing. So, they are both freeing. Pain can be freeing and freedom can cause pain. Things that are easy for you now were once difficult. The real trick is to remember everything your soul already knows. It is guiding you to the lessons that will help you remember.
We tend to justify that it’s worth holding on, when it’s really not. Instead of facing the present, we choose to live in the past, because our past comforts us. We live in a delusion and we try to fool ourselves into thinking that everything will ultimately work out, even though we know that will not.
I think when we have done everything that we could to be happy and still it doesn’t work, we should let go. “The magical vision of detached attachment is the way to true happiness”, says a spiritual leader. We should nurture our mind, body and material possessions without getting too much attached to them.
- Prabhat Kumar, Former Cabinet Secretary
